Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
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I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
British websites use biscuits.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.