I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
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HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.