Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
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Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.