Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
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We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah