Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
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me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
this is literally a CIA plant
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..