Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
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A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉