Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
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imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*