I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
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if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon