By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
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The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.