If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
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it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
how much for the angry fruit?
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them