*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
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I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Not all heroes wear capes…
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”