I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
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No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
next level snooze
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
i hope my email finds you on fire
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf