Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
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The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit