I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
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I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
How funny!
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.