Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
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Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.