Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
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Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.