Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
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Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
good for her
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.