When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
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me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Good morning y’all ☀️
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer