Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
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How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
lol
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
mom gave me mine for free
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.