You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
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Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
#NoRestForTheWicked
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.