[eats all your cotton candy]
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I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.