[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
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Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
War & Peace
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*