Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
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The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Lmao the reply
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.