Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
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People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Leonardo DiCaprisun
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now