my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
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*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
pictures of spider-man
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!