When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
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them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD