My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
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Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.