I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
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Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
#oldknees
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”