PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
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say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.