I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
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[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
just gave your address to some spiders
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame