when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
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My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler