In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
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I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors