[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
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Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
ok this is my dumbest yet
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
*feels the wind in my toe hair