My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
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Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Breaking news:
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
I just tested negative for patience.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine