AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
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I’ve had relationships like this
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
bury ourselves
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.