Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
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People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.