The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
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My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)