I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
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Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
New Tinder profile.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.