Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
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I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Saturday
Safety first
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”