Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
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*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.