My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
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Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Holy shit he’s back
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash: