Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
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My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift