I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
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Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.