*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
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[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Um … Hot Wings please
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.