I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
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Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
When you let grandma cat sit
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
A friend helps you before you need it
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him