I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
You Might Also Like
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes