[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
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“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person