Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
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Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Not all heroes wear capes…
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
there’s probably a fee though
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.