Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
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Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
*puts my mental health in rice
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories