Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
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Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
He wanted to make sure😂
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose